You are the Universe

A few weeks ago, I was lying in bed when I had the most terrifying realization: I will die, and someday my existence will be forgotten and everything I think and everything I am will be gone. I have to admit, I am no novice to dealing with anxieties that creep out of the shadows of my mind and prey on my fears, especially in the night, but this one was different. I usually can talk myself down and tell myself, “No, you won’t fail that class, you are doing fine.. or no, you have no reason to fear someone breaking into your house..”. But this time I could not tell myself my fears were illegitimate. This one was true. And I could not change it.

For the past couple of weeks, this thought kept popping into my mind. And every time I was filled with an empty dread that I have not experienced before. It was keeping me up at night. I started to feel like everything I did was as pointless and insignificant as my existence. The things that normally comforted me did not any more. “There will ever only be one of you.. think of your legacy and what you can leave behind.. you will live on in the memory of others.. you won’t know your dead when you die, so you have nothing to worry about..” I was still dreading the idea of non-existence.

But then, I thought of something magical that comforted me and I will share it with you. You are the universe reflecting upon itself. Your atoms have been around almost as long as the universe.  Those atoms came together and formed molecules. These molecules came together to form larger aggregates, sometimes in the form of a meteor, sometimes in the form of a lake, sometimes in the form of life present in a single cell. When cells combine, they form multicellular organisms which take the form of fungus, protists, and even humans. A skin cell is a living thing. It can grow and replicate on its own in the right conditions. But you are formed of many cells that work together and because of the cooperation of the cells in your body, you are able to read this and reflect upon what I am telling you. 

You are the universe. You always have been. Just as the meteor is the universe in the form of a meteor, you are the universe in the form of a human. And you have the ability to reflect upon yourself as a human, and yourself as the universe. When you are no longer in human form, your molecules do not disappear, but are still a part of this universe. You will always be the universe.

I find this idea more comforting and unifying with humanity than any other. And isn’t it amazing that these atoms and molecules even for a while can know of themselves?

I want to take the time, that my aggregate of molecules that are combined in a way that allows them to be sentient, to explore and learn about the world and universe. This is what gives my life meaning. This is why I am a scientist.

Also here is a picture of the cat's eye nebula taken by the Hubble telescope.

Birthday Blog

It is my beautiful sister's birthday today. It is times like these when I really really miss home the most. I wish I could be closer to my family, but grad school sent me to the complete other side of the country. In the style of Allie Brosh's Hyperbole-and-a-half, I made this birthday blog for her. It is crazy how time flies. I cannot believe she is already in college, a woman. Whoa. Here's to you little sister!

A short explanation of the grad school application and interview process

Tomorrow is prospective student day. Yaaay! This is particularly exciting because it means I get to “host” a student. All the prospective students (16 in total) are staying in a hotel, so my sole responsibility is to make sure I get my prospective student to the right place at the right time. I am determined. I know I struggle with this in my daily life (you know, showing up to things on time), but you know what? Challenge accepted.

So given that this is happening, I thought I would take the time to discuss how the application and interview process for graduate school works (at least at the places I interviewed at) for anyone interested in applying for graduate school (or anyone who is curious how the process works).

The application process:

I think this is the hardest part because this is completely up to the individual applying: what they decide to emphasize, who they ask for recommendations, etc.. Every school is different and requires different materials, but all seem to ask for letters of recommendation, unofficial or official transcripts, and a personal statement of some sort. All of my applications were due some time between mid to late December.

If you are applying to grad school, you should probably start the personal statement at least a month or two before the applications are due to account time for staring at a blinking cursor bar, time agonizing how to begin, and time for Googling sample personal statements. After a few weeks of this, write/edit your personal statement masterpiece in one sitting in the middle of the night.. right before a big test.. and don’t stop, not even for a bathroom break.. we cannot choose when inspiration comes to us.

In another couple of weeks, once all application materials are in order, you are ready to submit. At this moment you will feel panicked. Like you must recheck all materials just in case you missed something. Then check a few more times. Pushing the submit button is the hardest part because that means everything that is in your control in regards to your acceptance is out of your hands now. But also extremely relieving, because it is out of your hands now. YOU ARE FREE!

After pressing submit on a grad school application
(Credit: whatshouldwecallgradschool)

The interview:

It has been a couple months, you probably have moved on with life. Gone from moments of anxiety fearing you will be rejected from every school to just saying “screw it.. it is out of my hands”. But then when you are totally not expecting it, you will likely get your first stomach dropping email: Invitation for an interview. When I got my invitation to interview I nearly cried. Someone wants me! Yay! But only maybe! But still Yay!

Interviews are totally covered by the school, transportation, hotel, they often provide food at their events, etc. Unfortunately, all of my interviews happened during the week. Between interviews and recruitment (which is a much more fun trip given this means they have already accepted you and are inviting you back to convince you to come) I missed a lot of school. Sometimes it is only an interview, or only recruitment; it really just depends on the department or school. I had two VERY different interview experiences.

I interviewed at Yale and at the University of Illinois. I had a blast at the University of Illinois. It was spread over three days, I stayed with a current grad student in the lab, had one interview with my prospective professor (who was very approachable) and a few other interviews with people in the lab. I spent the rest of the time getting to know the area, went to some local bars with other prospectives, played Settlers of Catan. It was laid back and welcoming.

Contrastingly, Yale’s interview process was stressful. I flew in at 12:30 am from a cross country flight. Stayed at a hotel, but didn’t sleep, got up at 6:30 am to catch the 7:30 am bus ride to Yale. What made this one different was that it wasn’t just one professor (like at UofI) that chooses you. You have to impress the entire department. I had five back to back interviews with Yale professors. Then we went to a reception and talked some more (I understand this was supposed to feel laid back, but no chairs.. after all that interviewing/tour walking..) they gave us beer and we continued to try to put on our A game as we mingled with professors. Then more mingling at a dinner, then at 10 pm or so, we were invited to go to the bars with the grad students. I was too exhausted to go to the bar.. it might have been really fun, but I was so drained.

So basically, interviews vary from school to school and between departments. Hopefully yours is a relaxed one.

(In total, I applied to 4 schools. I did not get into two of them, but I got into both Yale and University of Illinois. It was a very hard choice for me to choose which to go to, but I decided to go with the professor whose interests aligned most with mine, at Yale.)

Keeping all this in mind, I feel bad for my prospective student tomorrow. It is going to be a jammed packed day! Hopefully I can make this a less stressful experience for my prospective student.. and get him places on time. That would be good.

So.. What do you do??

First semester of grad school completed. I am taking a much deserved winter break and I am determined to relax and spend time with friends and family.. with no work. This is really hard for me because I like to take care of things while they are on my mind. I taught a class this past semester (which I loved. Very time consuming, but I taught a section in my favorite subject—animal behavior) and during break I received some emails from my students—mostly about grades and their final. I was told that I was under no obligation to answer emails right away during break, but I couldn’t help myself. I have to take care of things while they are fresh for fear I will forget to address these things later.

But anyway, I have been mostly sticking to my goal. I have seen a lot of relatives and extended family during the holidays and one question that seems to come up a lot is “So, what do you do?”. 

I get that everybody gets asked this, but most people can get away with quick one liners: I am a dentist. I am a firefighter. I am a teacher. I am something-that-everybody-already-has-a-concrete-notion-of-what-I do-on-a-daily-basis. Not scientists though. We have a much harder task when asked this question.

I am sure my fellow grad students can relate to me here; this is a tricky question to answer for a few reasons:

1.    How do I make my work not sound too specific that it sounds insignificant?

One of the first times I thought about how to answer “So, what do you do” happened to me while on a plane. I was wearing a Yale sweater. Next to me was an elderly man, whom I could only determine from his accent, was perhaps from New York.

He pointed to my sweater and asked in an accusatory tone as if to call me out on wearing a collegiate sweater to a school that I didn’t attend, “Do you go there?”

Or, maybe he was genuinely curious and it was just his manner that made it sound that way. I explained that I am in grad school—the ecology and evolutionary biology PhD program.

He then asked, “So, what do you do?” to which I replied “I study fish cooperation.”

He laughed.. no.. scoffed. “Why on earth would anyone care about that? Dear God, I hope that you aren’t getting any money from tax dollars to do that.”

Okay, my science is like my baby. I just stared at him, baffled at how openly rude this man was. I thought about defending my research to him, I didn’t think he cared to hear it, and I didn’t want to waste my efforts. At the time I wrote him off as an arrogant, grumpy, old man.

People not involved in science tend to think that science is some mystery potion making, daily-experiment running thing that will result in some huge discovery at the end. Science is much slower than that. Most of the time, I won’t be running experiments. Maybe a few times a year at most, and not during my first year of grad school. Also science is thorough. Being thorough requires many people to study very small pieces of the puzzle at seemingly slow rates. The pressure to do big, fast science just results in people making up data or sacrificing thoroughness to increase their output rates. Smaller scale science is worth something. I feel that most people, non-academics in particular, don’t always see it.

Looking back, I should have actually thanked him.. He taught me the first lesson I needed to know in how to answer “What do you do?”. Actually, I kind of knew this from writing manuscripts but never thought about applying it to a conversation with a complete stranger: start broad and interesting, then (if conversation permits) work your way into specifics.. this gives people the big picture at least, and makes it more relevant. Although his approach was harsh, it is a reality that scientists face. I am sure I will face similar criticism throughout my career. I know my science means something. I have to appeal to a broad audience and demonstrate why our science is worth funding. I took his harsh words as a lesson to think about how to better answer that question next time (and there were many next times).

2.    How do I determine how much someone cares to know?

I love what I do. I have to remind myself that not everyone shares this love.  I feel that testing the waters with a hierarchy of answers to gauge listener interest is a learned skill—one that I have gotten better at doing throughout holiday, family gatherings. Among these, one of my answers is “I am interested in marine biology”. This answer is reserved for non-scientists. It has some buzz to it. Marine biology— I like the way this sounds. I like for people to think I do something really cool. You know, focus on the glamour of what I do rather than the nitty-gritty. SCUBA dive in the Mediterranean.. field work in France.. But “marine biology” is such a broad term.. this could mean anything from ocean chemistry to counting sardines.

The next answer: “I am interested in the evolution of cooperation, and I use fish as a model system”. I feel like this is more accurate, however, it is far more dry to the average person. This answer is for people who ask beyond my “marine biology” answer, or my typical answer for scientists that may or may not be in my field. I may go into more detail, again depending on their reaction.. and my next reason for why answering this question is tricky:

3.    How much energy do I have to explain what I do?

Like I said, I love what I do, and it is my goal when explaining what I do to get other people to love it too. I feel like there is this pressure to prove that this is what I love by being animated and excited about what I do every time I talk about it. But I am human. I get tired of saying the same things over and over again to a lot of different people within a short amount of time. I have a limited amount of mental energy and explaining biology basics to people with little to no scientific background and sometimes to those that question the core principles of evolution is enough to send me into a mentally-drained, much-less-merry state of Stacyness. Or sometimes during winter break I want just that, a break from thinking about what I work on and focus on presents and board games and movies and food.. Especially food.

4.    It is my first semester of grad school.. what am I doing?

To be honest, I am still figuring that out. What am I doing? Right now I am learning how to do science. I learned mathematical modeling this semester and how to model social evolution. I learned how to use Mathematica (just basics..) and I made a 3D manipulation plot of a model that I made.. this is my greatest accomplishment so far. Though, I am not sure how good it actually is. But this model doesn’t really have anything to do with cooperation; it is about alternative reproductive tactics (super interesting, my advisor wrote a really great paper on this topic. I will include a link below if you want to learn all about it!) and maybe I will do that for my research, maybe I will do this and studying the evolution of cooperation. But I am still figuring it out. I am told that this is normal for a first year.. Hopefully I will have a more concrete answer not only for relatives at once a year get-togethers, but for myself as well.

If you are wondering what I do, here is what I have so far, though, this may change as I learn more, refine my interests, etc. (taken from my graduate student bio):

“I am fascinated with cooperation. Cooperation occurs in a multitude of situations from human romantic relationships, professional relationships, academia, and even in non-human, animal social groups. Why individuals cooperate and how individuals choose whom to cooperate with are questions that drive my current studies in graduate school. Particularly, I am interested in the cooperation that occurs when cost is immediate, but future benefits are uncertain. As a theorist and empiricist, I will tackle these questions using mathematical modeling, and test those models experimentally. Because cooperative groups occur in several species of fish, and fish are easily manipulated in the field and in laboratory studies, I will use freshwater and/or marine fish as model organisms to examine cooperation.”

But then as if “So, what are you doing?” didn’t cause enough anxiety, it is most certainly followed by, “So, what are you going to do after you graduate”. But that is another topic for a later time.

http://alonzolab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/alonzo_and_warner_behav_ecol_1999.pdf (male alternative reproductive tactics paper written by my adviser)

BEST DAY EVER.

So a few weeks ago I had this awesome dream that David Attenborough (my childhood/adulthood idol) came to the US to give a talk and that I was in the audience. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Sir David (yes, he was knighted by the Queen for being so awesome) he is like THE man in all of the BBC nature and wildlife productions. He is the guy who did the Planet Earth narration and Life of series and basically the reason I decided to pursue animal behavior research as a career path.

David is the man

David Otterborough

Such a badass

Anyway, in the dream, after the talk he was walking past me and I thought to myself “This is crazy.. this is DAVID FREAKING ATTENBOROUGH.. I know you are excited and terrified but if you don’t go up to him right now, you will lose your chance to ever meet him”. So heart thumping and hands shaking I approached him and asked to have a photograph with him. He was SO NICE about it and said yes! It was the single most amazing moment of my life.. and then I woke up.. And it became the single most depressing moment in my life.. first world problems..

I then thought to myself, I have to make this happen. He is 87 years old now, and not to be morbid or anything, but my time to make this happen is fleeting. So I googled him to find out if he would be in North America anytime soon, but was unsuccessful.. but then, I found an address for him and thought “If I can’t meet him, I must write him a letter”. In the letter I told him he should come to Yale to give a talk. I wanted that letter to stand out.. so I also drew him a picture of the blue faced snub nosed monkey (which I remember he once said that is the one animal he has not seen but wants to see). So I put together my drawing, my letter, and a photo of me holding  a basilisk (the lizard, not the Harry Potter giant snake.. although that would have been way better..) and sent it off to him. I was hopeful he would write me back, but I thought it unlikely.

The contents of the letter moments before I mailed it

But then, today, I got a letter in the mail. It had no return address, so I had no idea who it was from. And it had been a few weeks since I sent off the letter to David Attenborough, so it wasn’t on the top of my mind. I opened it and as I read over the address on the letter (Surrey) and then down to the scrawled signature on the bottom (his greatness’) sudden realization passed over me. I started screaming. And jumping. And I am pretty sure my neighbors thought I was crazy. But I couldn’t believe that THE David Attenborough addressed me personally and wrote me back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And although he politely said he was a bit too busy with his productions at the moment to come to Yale, I was ecstatic to say the least.

If you want to write David a letter, this is his mailing address:

David Attenborough

David Attenborough Productions, Ltd.
5 Park Road
Richmond
Surrey, TW10 6NS
UK

So if that wasn’t enough awesome for one day, my friend Molly and I went to see A Streetcar Named Desire at the Yale Repertory Theater and met JOE MANGANIELLO!!! 

Joe (center right) in Magic Mike

Joe as a werewolf in true blood. 

ahWOOOOooo! 

He was soooo niiiice! And surprisingly sheepish! I was the first of the horde of ladies waiting to meet him after the show (in which he played Stanley). As he approached, I tried to swallow my nervousness and stuck out my hand and said “Hi, Joe! My name is Stacy” and he responded with a soft but sincere smile and said “Hi, Stacy. It is nice to meet you.” AAAAAGGGHH I nearly died. And then I asked if I could have a picture with him and he said yes :D so I tried not to freak out too much when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

 Okay.. this Saturday definitely had its fair share of star-struckness to last me a life time.. Although I would love to just replay today over and over again in my head, I have so much work to do.. SAD FACE.. But, today’s series of events will soften the blow of spending a beautiful Saturday night indoors grading things for the class I TF and studying for a phylogenetics exam..

I made it to Yale.. now what?

Busy never felt like this before. I feel like there is normal busy.. and then there is grad student busy.. and then there is grad student with child busy.. but thankfully I am not that busy. I don’t know how they do it..

During the first few weeks I found myself sitting in my lab space like “I made it to Yale.. now what?” Before grad school, I thought I would begin doing science right away when actually, I am just reading.. so hopefully, I am doing this research thing right. But these past couple weeks, shit got real. My schedule is so full. Not only do I have to learn things in grad classes, I have to teach things, and then go to seminars, and meetings. This leaves little gaps of 20 minutes to an hour in between to do research.. That being said, grad school has been a great learning experience in time management.

So in addition to time management, here are some other things I have learned from grad school so far:

1. No need to buy pricey probiotics from the drug store; you can drink your own fecal sample!

I know... who suggests stuff like that?? This was a real-life conversation that happened to me. In the café of the library on science hill, I learned from a girl (who was being completely serious) how to help my stomach gain back its normal flora by using simple, every-day practices in the lab. First you bring in a fecal sample to the lab and then you place that fecal sample in a centrifuge. Spin it until the globby parts are separated from the fluid parts, decant, and drink”, she made a motion as if she was taking a shot, “It is so simple and inexpensive. It can be done right in the lab!” I thought this was a joke. I laughed. She stared. It was awkward. Then I wondered how she knew this. Oh god. Bad mental image.

2. Some people actually think the library is a good place to bring babies.

To all the grad student parents out there: I know we have a tight budget with our grad student stipends, and if you have a child, it is probably even tighter. But if you can’t afford a babysitter so you can study in the library, maybe you should stay home and study. There is no children’s book section in the science hill library. And there is a lack of carpet to absorb noises in the section with the comfy couches. The library is a quiet place. And I know you think your baby's coos and shrieks of happiness are bringing everybody in the library joy, but truthfully, my biology is set up to become alert and respond to baby noises. I cannot focus on learning Fisher’s fundamental theorem with all those high pitch screeches reverberating around the library.

3. Just because it is Yale, doesn't mean that all the undergrads make good choices.

Trust me, one of my good friend lives right next to a frat house.. I am often at her place when the shenanigans happen. One time we were in the kitchen of her second story apartment and we looked out the window and saw a bunch of mostly naked drunk guys covered in mud tossing a ball on a trampoline.. hmmm

4.  (This one is more serious) it is okay to ask questions.

People say there is no such thing as a stupid question. But, sometimes it feels like questions are a good way to expose my professor and peers to my stupidity. What if the question I am about to ask was covered in the reading, but I glossed over it? Will the professor assume I didn't do the reading? And when I do get up the courage to ask a question and the professor explains it to me, should I nod even though it still doesn’t make sense, or should I fumble around with my words some more.. maybe I don’t even understand it well enough to ask a clear question. I have been forcing myself to ask questions though. I am getting more comfortable, but I still feel my cheeks get warm and my heart race when I go through this internal struggle. But then I am reminded when I am teaching my section, that I like it when students ask lots of questions. I never think that they are stupid even when they ask the most basic of questions. It actually makes me feel like they are interested. Like, they really want to learn the material. In fact, it is more frustrating to get a bunch of blank stares than to get a lot of questions. This is probably one of the more valuable things I have learned so far.

Anyways, although I feel quite busy, I still worked in some fun times this weekend. I went apple picking and then scuba diving in Cape Ann, Mass. I saw seals, lobsters, and ate a raw scallop right from the shell (which was quite delicious) just like an otter :D Speaking of otters, this week is sea otter awareness week!! Yaay! So be aware!