A few weeks ago, I was lying in bed when I had the most
terrifying realization: I will die, and someday my existence will be forgotten
and everything I think and everything I am will be gone. I have to admit, I am
no novice to dealing with anxieties that creep out of the shadows of my mind
and prey on my fears, especially in the night, but this one was different. I
usually can talk myself down and tell myself, “No, you won’t fail that class,
you are doing fine.. or no, you have no reason to fear someone breaking into
your house..”. But this time I could not tell myself my fears were
illegitimate. This one was true. And I could not change it.
For the past couple of weeks, this thought kept popping into
my mind. And every time I was filled with an empty dread that I have not
experienced before. It was keeping me up at night. I started to feel like
everything I did was as pointless and insignificant as my existence. The things
that normally comforted me did not any more. “There will ever only be one of
you.. think of your legacy and what you can leave behind.. you will live on in
the memory of others.. you won’t know your dead when you die, so you have
nothing to worry about..” I was still dreading the idea of non-existence.
But then, I thought of something magical that comforted me and I will share it with you. You are the universe reflecting upon itself. Your atoms have been around almost as long as the universe. Those atoms came together and formed molecules. These molecules came together to form larger aggregates, sometimes in the form of a meteor, sometimes in the form of a lake, sometimes in the form of life present in a single cell. When cells combine, they form multicellular organisms which take the form of fungus, protists, and even humans. A skin cell is a living thing. It can grow and replicate on its own in the right conditions. But you are formed of many cells that work together and because of the cooperation of the cells in your body, you are able to read this and reflect upon what I am telling you.
You are the universe. You always have been. Just as the meteor is the universe in the form of a meteor, you are the universe in the form of a human. And you have the ability to reflect upon yourself as a human, and yourself as the universe. When you are no longer in human form, your molecules do not disappear, but are still a part of this universe. You will always be the universe.
But then, I thought of something magical that comforted me and I will share it with you. You are the universe reflecting upon itself. Your atoms have been around almost as long as the universe. Those atoms came together and formed molecules. These molecules came together to form larger aggregates, sometimes in the form of a meteor, sometimes in the form of a lake, sometimes in the form of life present in a single cell. When cells combine, they form multicellular organisms which take the form of fungus, protists, and even humans. A skin cell is a living thing. It can grow and replicate on its own in the right conditions. But you are formed of many cells that work together and because of the cooperation of the cells in your body, you are able to read this and reflect upon what I am telling you.
You are the universe. You always have been. Just as the meteor is the universe in the form of a meteor, you are the universe in the form of a human. And you have the ability to reflect upon yourself as a human, and yourself as the universe. When you are no longer in human form, your molecules do not disappear, but are still a part of this universe. You will always be the universe.
I find this idea more comforting and unifying with humanity
than any other. And isn’t it amazing that these atoms and molecules even for a
while can know of themselves?
I want to take the time, that my aggregate of molecules that
are combined in a way that allows them to be sentient, to explore and learn
about the world and universe. This is what gives my life meaning. This is why I
am a scientist.
Also here is a picture of the cat's eye nebula taken by the Hubble telescope.
Stacy, I especially like these two lines:
ReplyDeleteo "You are the universe reflecting upon itself." —and—
o "Isn’t it amazing that these atoms and molecules even for a while can know of themselves?"
Ever since I was old enough to understand death (about 4 year old), I have always had a deep seated fear about the terribly brief interval of existence afforded to humans. No matter what a person's religious beliefs,it seems a cruel twist to be granted such wonderful senses, capacity for love, and capacity for self-contemplation—only to have it all be extinguished by the mortality of a physical container. In my mid 50s, it hits me as a startlingly blunt fact that I have fewer time to enjoy life ahead than I have experienced in my past.
Carl Sagan was my professor at Cornell. In addition to his memorable emphasis on the words (Billions and Billions), he used to say that we are all made of "star stuff". The insight of your Blog post (equating star stuff with a form of eternal existence) is every so slightly comforting. Thank you for that!
Phil-- I am happy to hear that :) Thank you for your kind words!
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